There are still days I think about my first little ones. I think about what they would look like, how old they would be, if they were boys or girls, etc…..scientifically, they weren’t even considered “babies” but instead “fetuses”. To me, i still count them as my first babies. I held them in the palm of my hand on December 11, 2010. That image goes through my mind and tears just run down my cheeks. I remember that severe pain and every detail of that day, Boy did I hate God after that day. I couldn’t understand how He would allow those babies to be conceived (I was on a birth control) and then take them from me. Those 8 months after were full of anger and pain. I specifically remember telling God that I didn’t care if there was something wrong with them, I would have loved them like any mother would!
Ryan was the only one that understood the pain. He was the one that carried me into the hospital, he stood next to me while I screamed from the physical pain, he cried with me when they said neither of the “fetuses” made it, he held my hand as they scraped me, he never blamed me for it. He never left my side. We suffered that day together and we’d wake up suffering everyday. It was so hard on us. To many, those babies shouldn’t have hurt, but they did. They broke us down and we could do nothing but move forward. But that day did create a strong bond because we knew we had a pair of angels watching over us.
While we were pregnant of Remi, Ryan and I began talking about the twins without crying with pain but instead with happiness. We’d tell each other how they are probably taking care of Remi in my belly and they knew exactly who she was already. How jealous we were that they had probably already met Remi and we had to wait. Ask us any day how many kids we have and we will say 3. One here and 2 waiting for us.
I hate it when Remi’s doctors ask me how many pregnancies then ask how many are alive. It feels like a slap to my face although I know they have to ask for medical purposes.
God must have wanted to test me on my statement on loving my children no matter if they weren’t considered “normal” in this world but I’m more than grateful to Him for that extra chromosome in Remi. I’m thankful He allowed me to experience being a mother especially to a very lovable little girl. Ryan & I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything.