I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to start this blog post. I don’t know how to entice you all into trying to understand my life these past few months. It has just been an emotional roller coaster. One that I’d prefer to sit out of.
It becomes harder and harder to see myself as strong enough. I’m human and by no means perfect. Who wouldn’t prefer an easier life? I feel like a failure in my daughters life so many times and I don’t know how to be or do better as a mother. Parts of me are excited for her turning 2 but then it turns me to tears because I realize she isn’t walking just yet. You may think it isn’t so bad but it is when you realize that that is a huge milestone to their independence. It taunts me daily, making me feel so inadequate.
As a mother to a special needs toddler, I’m expected to not show my frustrations, let alone my imperfections as a mother but here I am. I’m putting my emotions out there because I hate the feeling that I just shouldn’t have any negative feelings. It’s not like they are towards my daughter. It’s my disappointment in myself because I am the adult. I am the mother. I am the stronghold of my family. It is for me to make sure my daughter can become exactly who God wants her to be and to reach every goal she will have in life. Sometimes, I wish I could forget every goal and skill that she has to reach and just ENJOY HER!! I just want her to be who she is going to be and not just because the world has a standard. To live on a secluded island where no one compares her (especially myself) to anyone or anything. I just want her to be….her. To grow and learn at her own pace. Not being pushed to do something she does’t want to do. She has became a stubborn little girl but I believe it is from being forced to learn or do something because there is a chart that shows what she SHOULD be doing by now. It’s all about charts and averages and blah blah blah! It becomes so overwhelming that it’s going to make me go crazy! So when you question my sanity or see me have a meltdown, you will know to blame it on doctors and their charts! 🙂