This post isn’t much about Remi but it is about her siblings that we never held.
I pondered this post for a while for many reasons that only make sense in my mind. I will, however, say that I will do it because it will help me remember and acknowledge a LIFE! So here are our stories about our 3 wonderful babies. Our much wanted, already loved babies and an insight to understand our pain.
Ryan and I married in November of 2009. After 1 week of wedding planning, we had a beautiful wedding. (Yes, you read that correctly. ONE WEEK! We had the whole big dress and tuxes and the whole glamor!) Many questioned our marriage believing that we were marrying because I was pregnant but what no one knew is that… I am medically infertile. We planned to wait on having little ones and just enjoy each other but that all changed when that digital pregnancy test showed those beautiful words. “Pregnant” in December 2010. We were shocked! I even had to re read the instructions to make sure it didn’t show “pregnant” before adding the “not” in front of it! Such a happy day but it only lasted 3 days. On that 3rd day, I began to have lower abdominal pain so we rushed to the ER. We had to wait an hour for blood work since the doctor didn’t believe I could be pregnant. (There’s that infertility stereotyping!) He comes in and says, “well I can’t argue with blood work.” Ya think?!
Fast forward a couple of hours to the ride home after he did nothing…..
I remember this part the most. This is where it starts hurting my heart and it’s a moment that no matter how much I have tried to forget and remove from my memory, it still so clearly engraved into it. I began to have pain. Pain that felt like someone had grabbed a knife and just kept digging it into my stomach. Pain that had me screaming with so much agony that just remembering my own scream gives me the chill bumps. We were just getting home so Ryan helped me inside. He laid me down on the bed and piled blankets on top of me. He sat there next to that bed, holding my hand and talking to my mom on the phone. I remember his face. So afraid yet trying so hard to be strong for my sake. I kept saying, “We are going to lose him. He’s not going to make it. I feel it in my heart!” My biggest fear started happening. I felt an urge to push so I rushed to the bathroom where (I will save you the bloody details) he/she was gone…..
I broke down. I broke down like never before. I screamed from emotional pain. From losing this unplanned baby that was so ridiculously wanted. We had plans and we had love for this child.
The rest was such a blur. I was in pain emotionally and physically so details weren’t important. I remember Ryan carrying me into the hospital like my knight in shining armor. I remember being told that there was another “embryo” they took out. (They were twins) I remember Ryan holding my hand, kissing my forehead and with watering eyes saying, “I’m so sorry!” That man, he’s something beautiful. It took seven months of grieving. Seven months of being angry at the world until we finally said, let’s try again.
Remi is our rainbow baby. She brought so much joy and love into our lives. From the moment she was born, she has been near me. I couldn’t bear not having her with me. She was mine. She was the baby we so desperately wanted. She was also the spitting image of her father and she was in MY arms. Happy, healthy and so fragile. I call her my “womb survivor” because my body tried kicking her out too and although it did at 34 weeks, she was healthy enough to go home with us after 3 days!! We have a GREAT attachment to Remi that people think it’s crazy but they might understand if they knew our story.
This is the story of our “chick pea” twins. The ones that showed us what it was to lose part of you and the ones that made us parents. They are our first babies and they were never acknowledged because people told us to wait until we passed the 12week mark. We were 1 week away from that checkpoint when we lost them. We will never again wait for that 12 week mark because to us, they are a significant part of our lives. We will mourn them and grieve for their lives. To us, they are our babies. They are part of us. They have made us the parents that we are to Remi today.
I will write the story of our most recent loss soon. Maybe tomorrow….. Until then, thank you for taking the time to read part our story.