Well hello all!
It has definitely been a while since I have blogged. I’m horrible at keeping this up but there are days like today that I feel it necessary for me to share parts of our life. Why? I have no clue. Maybe it’s just so that family and friends can have the capability to understand why we do things and why we are how we are. Or maybe because I know so many of our friends and family have questions but they do not want to ask us for reasons I do not know. We are an open book and we will not lie about our feelings and our actions even if it’s about our marriage. We just aren’t that private I guess.
Let’s start this off where I left off last time and that was losing our little baby in October….
Two weeks after our loss, I brushed my tears off, got out of my self pity party and figured out a way to get me through it. How? I walked my behind into the gym, got a membership, and got me a personal trainer. I am very blessed and glad God sent me this way. You see, I met some wonderful people that have made an impact in my life. Working out became my outlet and I will give you an example of how. I can tell you of each day my trainer would push me to my limits but you would see me keep going. My push was this, when my body wanted to give up, I would literally tell it “you hurt me by losing my baby so now I will make you hurt”. No one knows this nor have I ever shared it with anyone, but that was my push.
Ryan got a promotion, for the second time in less than a year, a month after our loss. (On his birthday!!) I can’t tell you how that helped him because he is harder to understand. But I do know he loves his job and the people around him there. It was a blessing and that was something we both needed. TGBTG for that blessing.
So here is why this baby is our “last minute baby”. This may be TMI in some parts so I will apologize now. I’m sorry if any of this is too much for you….. We seriously were in a place where we were content about where we were. Ryan has an office job while I fell in love with weightlifting. Who wants to mess with something when it’s going so good?! Obviously we do, at the very last minute! All I will say is that we knew when ovulation (I was still on hormones since right after misscarriage) was and at the last minute we said, fine. Let’s get it over with now! (That’s going to be a great story to tell this child!) And sure enough, this kid was created and the proof was on the 3 test I took. Yes, I did 3, than one every other day for a week. I was instantly put on bed rest and another personal battle was happening with me. I would wake up at night thinking about how many more weeks I might have with this one. I would calculate how far along I was with my last and make that the hump this baby had to pass so that I knew he/she would make it to my arms. Of course it led to lots of water works and prayer! (I did this until I reached my 8th week) I guess that’s just the mind of a mother who has lost before and is just afraid. Believe me, I am far from being able to go a day without thinking of my last baby. I carry that baby’s sonogram in my wallet and I talk to it like a crazy person. That baby’s due date will be on June 3rd and I still have no clue how my heart and mind will react. I will take it as it comes but this baby is due in October which is a comfort because we lost our baby in October. It’s just a full circl! Our twins were due in August of 2011 and we found out we were expecting Remi in August of 2011. God has funny ways of showing us that He’s in control and I’m ok with that.
Lastly, I want everyone to know that yes, we are having testing done for this baby. Our reasons are nothing less than to have everything settled and ready for if our baby does have Down syndrome. We had a tough time figuring out what all we had to do with Remi when she was born which stole us of time that could have been used to just love her. We don’t want to make that same mistake. We want to have the capability of having it all together before the baby is born. Now, if anyone ever thinks or believes that we will be sadden or devestated if the test comes back with a positive for Down syndrome, you must not know who we are. Down syndrome is all we know so we will be happy and celebrate this baby if that is the result. We will also be happy and celebrate if the result is negative but keep in mind, it will be scary for us because we will be new to being a parent to a typical child. But just like we learned how to be parents to remi, we will do just fine learning how to be parents to a typical child. To us, our baby will be just that, “our baby” no matter the outcome. The best thing from this testing is that we get to know the sex of the baby at a really early time instead of waiting for the anatomy sonogram!!
Well my little monster is up and is dying for my attention. I must get to that asap!