I finally have some quiet time to myself since Ryan took Remi to our nephews 1st birthday (which Jax & I missed 😢) and Jax is sleeping. I love these little moments of time to myself but I wanted to have our experience written down before the rawness of it goes away. It would be great for him to read this when he’s older and I don’t want to forget a single details. When we go through something so traumatizing, we tend to put certain details in the back burner and try to forget it. Well, at least I’m that way. 

Where to start…….. Hmmm…. I guess I’ll start with being put on complete bed rest. That was a hard week or so. I went to one of my regular, bi-weekly OB appointments on a Thursday and for some stinkin’ reason my blood pressure was super high. Needless to say, a whole lot of testing and monitoring happened from then on. I was finally admitted in the hospital a whole week later where they realized that it was affecting my liver. Friday morning, my doctor made the decision to take Jax so he scheduled the c-section for that afternoon. Those that have been around me enough know that I was planning on a VBAC so I was disappointed but my plans aren’t always Gods plan. I was emotional from the beginning of this mess. It was a flashback to my pregnancy with Remi. As much as I hate to admit it, I broke down in front of my nurses every time they gave me some kind of news and that didn’t stop until after Jax was discharged.

Friday morning, we were transferred to L&D where I was hooked up to an IV and had magnesium “dumped” in my system in a 30 minute time frame. If any of my nurse friends read this, you will know how horrible that process is. For those that don’t know the process, they pretty much push a certain amount of magnesium into your body within that time frame and it makes you feel HORRIBLE! I felt flushed and I wanted to vomit. I was ready to pull that needle out of my wrist! (The magnesium was to prevent sezuires) 

At 2 pm, Ryan and I were talked through how the process would go. By 2:30, I started having a reaction to the magnesium which made my blood pressure go to dangerously low levels. Thankfully, the anesthesiologist was on hand and gave me adrenaline through the IV. At 3, I was wheeled in the operation room, prepped and the process started. During the entire surgery, my blood pressure was monitored every 3 minutes and I was given adrenaline many times during all of this. I forgot to mention that I wasn’t allowed to wear my “Fitz babies” necklace into the surgery but when they brought Ryan into the room and he sat next to me, he showed me that he was wearing it. He’s wonderful and my heart still glows with gratitude to remember that moment. I had the memory of my babies there with us during this hectic process.  We had the NICU nurses on standby because Jax was at 36 weeks and it was protocol. Jax was born screaming but they realized he had too much fluid in his lungs and he was struggling to breath. They let me hold him for a whole minute before they took him in an incubator and had him on cpap. 

We thought it would be for just a few hours so we didn’t think too much of it. While in the recovery room, the NICU Doctor came and told us they ended up having to intubate and sedate Jax. He would have to be like that for a few days …. I honestly had no clue what that all meant. I didn’t understand the severity of all of it so I was calm. I wasn’t allowed to get out of bed for 24 hours because of the magnesium so I never got to see Jax again on Friday until that next day. On Saturday, they told me if I would get up and walk, they would let me go see my baby. I didn’t wait another second to get my butt up and walk. Ryan wheeled me to the NICU shortly after and I finally got to see my Jax again. That was a hard moment of realization. I saw the tube in his mouth and it nearly broke me. They explained that he was being sedated with morphine and they had IV’s hooked into different parts of his umbilical cord. It was hard to see and hard to hear what he was going through. 

On Saturday night/Sunday morning around or before midnight, Ryan and I were woken up by the NICU Doctor. She had some news that nearly killed us. All she knew at the time was that Jaxton’s vitals were slipping and they already had him at the highest oxygen they could. They were going to do X-rays and other testing to see if his heart was the cause. Their plan was to have him careflighted to Dallas. For a moment there, they put losing him as a possibility. I never cried and prayed more than I did at that moment. We told the doctor that we were getting up and dressed and we would meet her down stairs. I instantly called my mom and 2 bourse later, I had my mom, dad, sister, both bothers, my sister in law and nephew all there to give us support and strength. I don’t think they will ever know or comprehend how much that meant to both Ryan and I. I desperately needed them there and they made it happen. Best portrayal of what a family is right there! After testing was done and they finally got Jaxton stablized, results showed negative to any type of heart condition. (Thank you God!) When we were reassured that the baby was stable and back on the right track, we all went to my room and slept. All 9 of us. (Well I think my brother and his wife slept in the car with my nephew…. I don’t quite know. <— see the sacrifice?! Love my family!!) by the morning, Jaxton began to regain strength and his vitals were going up. From then on, baby boy showed us how beautifully prayers work. See, that morning, I texted family, church family, friends and anyone that I knew that would pray over Jax. I told them we needed the prayers and they, thankfully, accepted to pray for us. God showed his power because by that next Saturday, Jaxton was released from the hospital. Many might say, “well it would happen eventually. Why would you say it was God?” Here’s my reason, those doctors & nurses that spend days with him and knew his situation better than I could ever understand it were in awe of how quick if a recovery he had after that scary night. They couldn’t understand how he instantly started doing so well that they could start weening him off of the oxygen by Monday night. I was finally able to hold him on Tuesday. Have I mentioned how HORRIBLE it was to not be able to hold your child for days and the feeling a mother feels when their baby is crying and you can’t hold him to comfort him? I cried when they told me on Monday morning that I might be able to hold him that night and then being told that night that I wasn’t going to. My heart hurt so bad. I just wanted to hold him and let him know that I was there and that I loved him so much and that I was sorry for what he was having to go through. (I know it’s a run on sentence but emotions seem to be like that) He did amazing when they completely took the oxygen off of him on Friday. By Saturday morning, they were planning his discharge. We were all so ready for him to be home and well. 

Jaxton has been home for an entire week now and he is thriving. He’s a complete different baby and he seems stronger every day. His lungs are still very weak and we have been advised by both NICU and his pediatrician to keep him away from crowds and or kids. Actually, they just said to stay home. Any little cold can take a turn in his body. It’s hard to be stuck at home but I don’t ever want to see my son like that again. His diagnoses was lung disease and PPHN (persistent pulmonary hypertension in newborn) it’s a very scary diagnosis. Just look it up and his case will become more understandable. Jaxton had a collapsed right lung but it wasn’t stunting his progress so they had a pulmonary therapist helping him through it. 

This is our story of how Jaxton made us such weak parents but at the same time, stronger ones. Our trust in God became our only hope and the reason we survived this bump. Ryan and I were literally broken down so many times during it all and we saw each other at our weakest, yet, we grew closer because of it all. We see our living children as miracles and fighters. They both made this way into the world with different stories but they both had to fight. We are beyond thankful to God for allowing us the blessing of Remi and Jax. They are the light in our lives and we love them just that little bit more because of it all!