15 years of dealing with anxiety and depression….
It not surprising that many don’t understand mental illnesses. It’s not something that can be controlled. Going through what I went through last month and meeting others like me, has taught me that. For years I have thought that I was insane ( and to my family that read this and say that I am, where do you think I got it from?! 😂) This is one of the hardest post for me to write but hey, no challenge. No change, right?
Having anxiety and depression is literally an internal war. I have been at my darkest and this is what I want people to know. Being that deep in the dark has NOTHING to do with that specific moment, or week or even months. It’s YEARS of dealing with it that leads you to spiral down. It’s never situational. I can’t pinpoint my dark times to something specific that happened that day or even that week or month. It’s years of feeling like there is something wrong with you and always having a negative voice in your mind. The cliche of “you are your own worst critic” is beyond true to those of us that deal with mental illnesses. Imagine telling yourself the worst things that you would NEVER say or think about someone else. That’s what it’s like for me.
I was once asked why I smiled so much. I could never understand why until my therapist pointed out that I smile when I tell her the MOST painful things. Putting a facade on for others not to know the pain you carry. That was a hard hit to myself.
I do not put this out for pity because I am a dang warrior for surviving my own self. To live every day is a blessing and a day that I pat myself on the back and say “you made it through today”. Trust me, it’s no fun to fight your inner self EVERY DAY, but it’s worth it for me to NEVER go back to letting mental illness control me. I’m learning how to cope and be positive with myself. Not only that, but mental illness is hereditary….. yea. I see that. My grandfather committed suicide at 33 years of age, leaving 9 kids behind to fight through life without him. My family are warriors and SURVIVORS, and I’m so very proud of them for making it this far. But I am determined to break that chain with my kids.
I am enough.
I deserve to be loved.
I forgive myself.
My reminders that life is going to be ok. ❤️